i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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