alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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