Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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