Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
