if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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