I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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