My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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