You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
