I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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