6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
