My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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