Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
