Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
