i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
