Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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