i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
