Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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