so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
