So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
