Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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