I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
