Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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