ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
