This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
