Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
