Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
