my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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