If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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