1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
