I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
two words...techno handjob
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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