she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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