i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
