"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
