just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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