wakey wakey hands off snakey
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
