This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
