Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
