you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
