Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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