Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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