Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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