i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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