sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
