She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
