Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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