Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
