I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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