Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
