I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
