I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
