Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You were trust falling into bushes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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