i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
