Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
